SCP-1707-A典型的口器放大图像
项目编号：SCP-1707
项目等级：Euclid
特殊收容措施：每个SCP-1707群落将收容在生物安全3级条件下的受监测收容室内。应始终保留至少2个由家养猪（Sus domesticus）饲养的成熟和稳定的群落。为了实验的目的，至少要维持一个额外的群落。未经高级研究人员和现场主任批准，不得使用人类作为SCP-1707群落的宿主。
如果一个养殖群落收容失效，所有人员（除值日生物威胁收容小组外）应撤离该区域。一个合适的宿主有机体将被任务小组用来引诱群落回到收容状态。如果宿主群落收容失效，宿主物种的收容协议应生效。
在任何情况下，未经高级研究员明确书面批准，不得消灭任何SCP-1707群落。
描述：SCP-1707是一种由大量生物组成的集成有机体，各个集成有机体标记为SCP-1707-A，其外表类似各种各样不同的环节动物和蠕虫。不一样的是，所有SCP-1707-A样本的长度都在5到30 mm之间，并具有独特的口器（见附图）。
在被隔离的情况下，SCP-1707形成一个扁平的块体，厚约4-5厘米。处于这种状态的群落将保持移动，直到它检测到合适的宿主，此时它将开始以0.5 m/s的速度向目标移动。1SCP-1707群落始终倾向于以睿智的目标为宿主。了解这种机制的研究正在进行中。
第一批SCP-1707-A接触宿主表层皮肤后通过其口器注射一种能快速作用的麻醉剂。2每个SCP-1707-A随后将寻找表皮组织，凿穿并吞食表皮，再将自己固定在宿主的真皮层。其余的群体也会效仿，每秒消耗大约20平方厘米的皮肤，直到目标皮肤全部被密集覆盖的SCP-1707所取代。这一过程可能只会因为群落中未附着部分被破坏而中断。
当寄生在宿主上时，SCP-1707没有表现出异常的副作用。对宿主而言，营养需求增加和经过皮肤感染机会增加的第二物理效应如预期般明显。这些因素往往导致宿主的寿命相对较短。然而，在受控条件下，宿主的SCP-1707群落可以长时间保持存活和健康。
在宿主死亡后，SCP-1707进入繁殖阶段，迅速消耗尸体的软组织。在此阶段，单个SCP-1707-A样本将以类似于已知物种的方式进行复制，尽管速度大大加快。整个过程导致群落的大小大约增加了三倍。因此，新的迭代能够将自身与更大的宿主有机体结合起来。
在书写本报告时，已经有以下几个宿主：
SCP-1707-0和SCP-1707-1：两头家猪
SCP-1707-2：一只白尾鹿
SCP-1707-3：一头角水牛
SCP-1707-4：一只挪威大鼠
SCP-1707-5：一个人，以前的特工████ █████，在最初发现和收容时被SCP-1707 感染
SCP-1707-6-xxiv：一个人，D级，在收容后感染
没有已知的方法来治愈或减轻SCP-1707感染。任何试图强制移走的行为都会导致宿主在五小时内死亡，无论医疗情况如何。原因是正在研究的项目。3
笔记：由于SCP-1707感染对人类宿主的心理影响，任何此类宿主都要不断受到监控，以防止减少未经授权终止的机会。
选自SCP-1707-5收容后的访谈
1.
来自感染后：第一天
采访者：研究员P. Dimaccio4
Dimaccio：你好，████。这里是Paul。你能听见我吗？这东西有用吗？
[停顿]
Dimaccio：████？
特工████：当然当然，我能听见你。
Dimaccio：所以，我听说了发生的事，我必须马上过来，不过他们不会让我进去的。你知道是怎么回事。
[停顿]
特工████：很感谢你，伙计。
Dimaccio：你感觉如何？
[几秒内没有声音]
特工████：感觉浑身都是虫子。
Dimaccio：噢！说真的，伙计，你感觉如何
特工████：嗯…我感觉不太好…我的意思是，就像，我以前的皮肤。有点麻木。
[停顿]
特工████：我怎么还能说话？它们不在我的嘴唇上？还是什么都没有？
Dimaccio：他们，啊，他们大多是把你的嘴放在一边。我们还不知道为什么。可能是因为它是一种不同的皮肤。
特工████：他们为什么不会被压扁？
Dimaccio：对不起，伙计，什么？
特工████：比如，我背上的那些东西,它们不会因为躺着被压扁的。
Dimaccio：嗯，我不知道。我想这就是我们需要知道的，对吧？
[几秒内没有声音]
特工████：Paulie?
Dimaccio：怎么了?
特工████：他们为什么不会被压扁？
2.
来自感染后：一周
采访者：Dr M. Xiao
Dr Xiao：特工█████?
[停顿]
Dr Xiao：我是生物分析小组的Dr Mei Xiao。
特工████：你确定你不是街区里的Jenny吗？
[几秒来自特工████的笑声]
[停顿]
Dr Xiao：呃，抱歉，特工████，恐怕并非如此。
特工████：我打赌你有些问题要问我，嗯？现在我变成了特殊收容对象？
Dr Xiao：嗯，我确实有些问题。但你应该知道，我们并没有将你个人归类为SCP对象。
特工████：我已经知道了。知道为什么吗？
[停顿]
特工████：我现在能读懂你的心思了。多亏了这狗屎。
Dr Xiao：你能告诉我——
特工████：天！我只是在耍你！
[几秒来自特工████的笑声]
特工████：啊，天啊……好的，博士。问问题吧。
[停顿]
Dr Xiao：好的。让我们从简单的事情开始。这里的温度怎么样？你现在觉得冷还是热？
特工████：嗯，有点……所以，我的意思是，我能感觉到，但一切……都麻木了。我不明白，因为当他们…
[停顿]
特工████：当他们找到我的时候，那时候肯定不是麻木的。
Dr Xiao：你能感觉到吗？我是说，你还有触觉吗？
特工████：有点。虽然它麻木了，但我还是能感觉到一些东西。不过当我躺着或走着时候，我甚至感觉不到什么。
[停顿]
特工████：那么，你们什么时候才能把这些东西从我身上拿下来？Paulie告诉我你要用D级人员。
Dr Xiao：好吧，我们到时间了。我们需要更多的时间来了解如何安全地清除感染。对不起，没有我们想要的那么快。
[几秒钟内没有声音]
特工████：是的。嗯……是的。不过，你只是不断地尝试。
[几秒钟内没有声音]
特工████：您继续尝试。
3.
来自感染后：两周
采访者：研究员P. Dimaccio
特工█████：所以，我是说，很高兴能在这里得到一张真正的床，尽管我感觉不到什么不同。
Dimaccio：很高兴你喜欢。我告诉他们给你一张特大号的床，但他们不会。
特工█████：哈哈。
[停顿]
特工█████：应该会更胖。
Dimaccio：你什么意思？
特工█████：你知道我现在吃了多少。
Dimaccio：你每天摄入█████或█████卡路里，对吗？5
特工█████：你知道有多少吗？
Dimaccio：呃…几天的价值【口粮】？
特工█████：这他妈的是一吨食物，就像他们给我吃了这么多高热量的狗屎一样。
Dimaccio：是的，我认为这就是你被当作特殊收容对象的原因。
特工█████：不见鬼，天才
[停顿]
特工█████：他们想出办法把这东西从我身上弄走了吗？
Dimaccio：还没有，伙计。对不起。
特工█████：他们进行了多少次实验？
[停顿]
Dimaccio：呃……我不知道
特工█████：是的，我他妈打赌你不会知道的。别烦我，Paulie。我了解你的屁股。（脏话）
Dimaccio：老实说，█████，我不会发火的。6
特工█████：无论你说什么，伙计。
4.
来自感染后：一个月
采访者：Dr M. Xiao
Dr Xiao：特工█████？
[几秒钟内没有声音]
Dr Xiao：特工█████，你醒了吗？
[几秒钟内没有声音]
Dr Xiao：这是特工█████第三次尝试在面试中让记录显示器显示其睡着了——
特工█████：你知道我为什么假装睡着了吗？
Dr Xiao：我，呃—，我——
特工█████：因为，我不知道你们这些诺贝尔奖得主是否注意到了这一点，你们这些混蛋一直想和我做爱，就这么简单：我有……这狗屎，而不是他妈的皮肤！这附近没有别的狗屎！你们他妈的这些天才怎么搞不明白？为什么你不能把这狗屎从我身上拿下来，或在我身上涂点D级的皮肤，或者他妈的什么？
Dr Xiao：嗯，嗯，首先我们要确保没有副作用，而且-
特工█████：是的，好吧，这个该死的副作用怎么样？我是个该死的怪物！
5.
来自感染后：六个月
采访者：研究员P.Dimaccio
Dimaccio：█████?
[几秒钟内没有声音]
特工█████：SCP-1707-5。
Dimaccio：什么?
特工█████：这就是我，对吗？那就是我。看到傻屌SCP-1707-5了吧。我在前几天他们打开通讯器的时候听到的。
Dimaccio：犯傻呀你他妈的是躺在床上的特工█████。我才不管那些混蛋怎么想。7
特工█████：那么……1、2、3和4是什么？
Dimaccio：呃……一只小兔子。听着，我们需要-
特工█████：我们需要，我们需要，我们需要。我来告诉你， Paulie，这就是我需要的，我需要的是他妈的“神奇的奇迹”治愈你，混蛋们正在努力，在这些该死的日子里，有一天会变成现实，除非那永远不会发生，因为像这样的六个月，你可能是一个生命，对吧？正确的？永远困在这个该死的收容室里，对吧？他妈的在学习？长期学习？别管我。别想惹我。我知道。我知道我们他妈的是怎么在这里做事的。有多少D级人员？
[停顿]
Dimaccio：听着, █████, 这是—
特工█████：有多少D级人员？ 我们带了多少这些该死的东西进去？为什么我们要留着我？
Dimaccio：拜托，伙计，我上次跟你说过。我们还没有办法在不杀你的情况下移除它。
[几秒钟内没有声音]
特工█████：是的。我记得。
[停顿]
Dimaccio：噢，拜托，你不是我所记得的那个特工█████。你——
特工█████：是吗？是啊？也许是因为那他妈的你所记得的████ █████从不是个SCP！滚开！别再骗我了！滚出去！
[此时，特工█████从收容室里拿起一把椅子，试图袭击研究员Dimaccio。保安冲进收容室。研究员Dimaccio退出收容室。]
6.
来自感染后：第七年
采访者： Dr M. Xiao
Dr Xiao：SCP-1707-5，这里是Dr Xiao。你能听见我吗？
[大约30秒没有声音]
Dr Xiao：我不会在这里呆太久的。我只有几个简短的问题。
[大约30秒没有声音]
SCP-1707-5：[隐约模糊发声]
[停顿]
Dr Xiao：首先，你在过去的六个月里感觉有什么变化吗？
[大约30秒没有声音]
Dr Xiao：SCP-1707-5?
[大约30秒没有声音]
Dr Xiao：好的。你是否经历过SCP-1707的其他影响？还有其他症状吗？
SCP-1707-5：[模糊，不可理解]
Dr Xiao：对不起，那是什么？
[大约30秒没有音频]
Dr Xiao：好的……好的。本次访谈于当地时间20██年██月██日15:44结束。下一次访谈将在四-
SCP-1707-5：Paulie在哪?
[大约30秒没有音频]
SCP-1707-5：我想见Paulie。
Dr Xiao：他……你知道他调走了。他三年前调走了。
[大约两分钟没有声音]
Dr Xiao：[叹息] 采访结束
[Dr. Xiao 离开收容室]
|caption=SCP-3416]]Item #: SCP-3416
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3416 is to be stored upon a pedestal within a standard containment cell. A perimeter with a radius of 10 meters has been established around SCP-3416, in which all objects weighing less than 23kg are required to be bolted to a solid surface. Guards and personnel in proximity of the perimeter are to be wary of any spontaneously levitating objects, and must report such activity to the acting Hazardous Materials Containment Liaison (HMCL) supervisor on duty.
Access to SCP-3416 requires clearance from one level-3 personnel. A security team escort is required for any personnel entering SCP-3416’s cell. Only personnel with level 4 psychic resistance or higher are permitted within a 6 meter perimeter of SCP-3416.
Any requests from SCP-3416 are to be handled on a case-by-case basis by the acting HMCL supervisor. Privileges available to SCP-3416 are dependent on behavior, with good behavior (defined here as being non-hostile and cooperative) allowing further requests after HMCL supervisor approval. SCP-3416 should not be permitted access to materials and objects more advanced than what would be present during pre-colonial Polynesia.
SCP-3416 has been deemed prone to emotional outbursts, and any activity indicating such should be reported to the active HMCL supervisor. A trained therapist8 is assigned to SCP-3416 with regular meetings.
Following the events of Interview Log 3416-8, SCP-3416 may be permitted live animal tribute as an option still dependent on the previous rules stated for requests.
Description: SCP-3416 is a clay object sculpted to resemble a head with a height of 80 centimeters. SCP-3416 is sapient and can project a disembodied voice within an 8-meter vicinity of itself. This voice is consistently described as being deep, loud, and masculine. This voice is always heard in a listener’s primary language, albeit with a noticeable Polynesian accent.
SCP-3416 can move itself and objects weighing less than 23 kilograms via telekinetic ability. The range of this ability has shown to fluctuate, but typically remains within 10 meters of SCP-3416. The telekinetic force of SCP-3416, while unmeasured, can turn small objects (such as pens or rulers) into fatal weapons.
Additionally, SCP-3416 can instantaneously transform up to 2 liters of non-living material into pure iron once a day. This process seems to only work for materials softer than palm tree wood (an abundant material on SCP-3416’s original island). SCP-3416 refuses to perform this for any purpose other than creating weapons to attack personnel.
Any human with insufficient psychic resistance within 6 meters of SCP-3416 is at risk of mental possession. SCP-3416 can control the movement and speech of a single individual that enters a 6-meter perimeter of SCP-3416. This effect ends immediately upon exit of the 6-meter radius around SCP-3416. The method of this ability, like all of SCP-3416’s other anomalous effects, remains unknown. Affected individuals recount having full consciousness during possession.
SCP-3416 has proven itself to be prideful and commanding, despite being completely contained. SCP-3416 typically has exaggerated mannerisms in speech and action, being temperamental to the point of violence. Its abilities are easily containable and present little risk to Foundation personnel.
Addendum 3416-1: SCP-3416 was retrieved from the island of █████ ███ in Polynesia, which had noticeably remained isolated from outside influence until the capture. As this island lacked natural metals, SCP-3416 was the only source of metal in the area. Because of its abilities, SCP-3416 was worshiped as a god and ingrained in the island’s culture. Here, SCP-3416 was given the name “Anoati9,” with which it refers to itself by. It is unknown how long SCP-3416 has existed due to the lack of written records in █████ ███. Due to this past, SCP-3416 refers to itself as God and believes itself to be as such.
Interview Log 3416-3:
Interviewed: SCP-3416
Interviewer: Dr. Chelsea Simons
Foreword: Due to previous hostile behavior from SCP-3416 (Security Officer ████’s hand was impaled while intercepting an iron-transmuted pen that was used as a weapon), Dr. Simons was accompanied by a security team of four officers. SCP-3416 only speaks at a shouting volume throughout the interview.
<Begin Log>
Dr. Simons: Hello, SCP-3416. SCP-3416?
SCP-3416 is at first unseen. A repetitive banging sound projects from a corner of the room, caused by a levitating SCP-3416 slamming itself against the cell wall.
SCP-3416: No one produces Anoa-stone10 better than Anoati! I will destroy this mockery! Hah! The coward who made this must face me now!
SCP-3416 continues banging against the wall.
Dr. Simons: SCP-3416? I’m Dr. Simons. Let’s talk.
SCP-3416: Do not refer to your lord this way! I am Anoati!
Dr. Simons: I see. So, Anoati, I’ll be helping you transfer into a containment environment.
SCP-3416: I am contained by no one! I am only here because I choose to be! Now, give me a stick! I will turn it to Anoa-stone and penetrate this wall!
Dr. Simons: Anoati, you know you have to stay in here. I don't want this to be a contentious relationship. I can explain more about the Foundation to you, and I think then you’d understand why you’re here.
SCP-3416 continues banging against the wall.
Dr. Simons: Anoati, please stop that.
SCP-3416 continues.
Dr. Simons: How long have you been attacking this wall, Anoati?
SCP-3416: It has been three days since I began my assault on these confines!
Dr. Simons: Anoati, I hate to be blunt but this is pointless. You haven't made a scratch. Please, let's talk.
SCP-3416: Yes! Indeed!
SCP-3416 levitates back towards its pedestal.
SCP-3416: We shall talk! Come closer to me!
Dr. Simons approaches SCP-3416.
SCP-3416: I have controlled your mind! You are now my slave! Go! Destroy those men!
Dr. Simons audibly sighs.
SCP-3416: Do not stand there! Have you not heard me?
Dr. Simons: I have psychic resistance, Anoati. It means that your abilities won't work on me. We don’t have to be fighting.
SCP-3416: No! Kill those men!
Dr. Simons: I'd rather not.
SCP-3416: Then you are faithless! Nobody in this forsaken land knows my power! I must destroy it all!
Dr. Simons: Try to think of it our way. We’re working for a common good. We, the SCP Foundation-
SCP-3416: If you do not destroy this cage of Anoa-stone I will destroy your puny Foundation!
Dr. Simons: Yes, I see that you're upset. I would be too.
SCP-3416: I am a god! I do not get upset!
Dr. Simons: Regardless, I'm here to help you understand what's going on around you. The containment process can be unpleasant, but I'm here to talk and explain should you need it. I’m here to help.
SCP-3416: I need no one! Your presence is unneeded, Simons, because I shall leave this place and return to █████ ███!
Dr. Simons: I'm afraid that the goal of the SCP Foundation is to keep you contained here. Due to your anomalous effects, it’s just not safe for you to-
SCP-3416: My powers have been given to me to rule!
Dr. Simons: Of course. It’s just, now you’re not the only person with powers anymore. You’re special, but-
SCP-3416: No! I will return to my people and we will destroy this terrible island! Leave me!
Dr. Simons: I see that you don’t want me around, so I can leave. Of course, you can call for me whenever and I’ll be here to help.
SCP-3416: It is too late! This place has boxed me in and refused my wishes! I must express my wrath!
Security Officer ████’s helmet, which was not properly attached to his tactical suit, begins floating two feet above his head.
SCP-3416: The wrath of the great Anoati has begun!
Security Officer ████ grabs his helmet and clips it back to his suit.
Dr. Simons: We’re going to leave now. If you need me, I’ll be back when you want to talk.
<End Log>
Interview Log 3416-7
Interviewed: SCP-3416
Interviewer: Dr. Chelsea Simons
Foreword: Session took place eight days after previous interview of SCP-3416. Of note, this is the first recorded interview after interview 3416-3 (35 days previous) in which SCP-3416 did not continually attempt to kill everyone within its room. Previous accounts report the range of SCP-3416’s effects having increased outside of its safety perimeter since last interview. Due to new security protocol, however, no injuries have been recorded. A security team comprised of four officers accompanied Dr. Simons into the chamber. SCP-3416 only speaks at a shouting volume throughout the interview.
<Begin Log>
As the team enters, their security officers’ helmets are pulled from their heads. Being properly clipped to their suits, however, all helmets remained on their respective heads. The pockets of all members entering the room were flipped inside-out, and Dr. Simons’ hair was tossed around upon entry.
SCP-3416: Face my wrath! Your god is angered and violent! The Great Anoati's wrath will only be sated by human sacrifice!
Dr. Simons: Anoati, are you ready to talk?
SCP-3416: Never! I will turn your bones to Anoa-stone and use them to break these walls!
Dr. Simons: This isn’t a good use of your time. Once you start working with me, we can be productive and help you.
SCP-3416: The Great Anoati needs no one!
Dr. Simons (addressing security team): Then let’s go.
Dr. Simons and the security team start exiting the room.
SCP-3416: I will destroy this tribe myself! You and your evil people will beg as I tower over them and I will show no mercy!
Dr. Simons approaches the door.
SCP-3416: Stop! The Great Anoati has a new decree! You cannot leave this room!
Dr. Simons: And why would that be?
Noticeable silence.
SCP-3416: I have not been given any sacrifices! Are you not faithful?
Dr. Simons: I'm not here to worship you. I'm here to help you. If you need that, I can provide it. Otherwise, I'll leave.
Dr. Simons turns to the door.
SCP-3416: Wait! Anoati seeks counsel! I am not asking for help! Speak to me!
Dr. Simons: Alright, but do you promise not to kill me?
SCP-3416: No!
Dr. Simons: That’s too bad.
Dr. Simons turns to the door again.
SCP-3416: No!
Dr. Simons: I don’t want to play games, Anoati.
SCP-3416: Leave the guards! Come to me!
Dr. Simons approaches SCP-3416. The guards remain outside of the cell on stand-by.
Dr. Simons: What's the problem?
SCP-3416: There is little problem! I am a fearless and flawless god!
Dr. Simons: That can’t be true. What’s plaguing you?
SCP-3416: Anoati does not share his problems with mortals!
Dr. Simons: Well, why don’t you try. It’ll be a secret.
This is the first recorded instance of SCP-3416's volume lowering beyond a shouting volume.
SCP-3416: I…do not want to be alone.
Dr. Simons: Then let’s talk about it.
SCP-3416: You are but a mortal. Do not pretend to understand the feeling of a god.
Dr. Simons: If I understand, you'd be feeling lonely, isolated, rejected and alienated. Would I be wrong in saying that?
Noticeable silence.
SCP-3416: I don't know.
Dr. Simons: It's normal.
SCP-3416: No! I am not normal! I am a vengeful god! People worship me in awe! They sacrifice enormous pigs and piles of birds! I create miracles for them!
Dr. Simons: But you’re not happy right now, right?
SCP-3416: I am not sad. I am not powerless. This is wrong.
Dr. Simons: This is a hard situation.
SCP-3416: Where is everyone? Where are my people?
Dr. Simons: They're still around. They're fine.
SCP-3416: Who will protect them?
Dr. Simons: We're organizing a program to incorporate their people and culture into the outer world.
SCP-3416: Outer world? There is no such thing! I am God of all land! All of the world's islands come to me for worship!
Dr. Simons: Of course. I meant, we're working to have them survive by themselves.
SCP-3416: Was I such a danger to them?
Dr. Simons: This world is full of the unexplained. Our job is to keep it contained. To protect understanding.
SCP-3416: Hah! Then I shall prove your mission faulty when I break free of this cage and slaughter all of the-
Dr. Simons: This is not what we’re talking about.
SCP-3416: Everyone but you! I have deemed you worthy!
Dr. Simons: Thank you, Anoati.
SCP-3416: Now leave me! I have much to ponder!
Dr. Simons: Ah, that reminds me. I brought something for you. You can see color, right?
SCP-3416: Of course I can! I am the Great Anoati!
Dr. Simons presents a Rubik's Cube. This object begins to float above Dr. Simons' hands.
SCP-3416: What is this weird object? Why is light, yet hard? What is it?
Dr. Simons: It's called a Rubik's Cube.
SCP-3416: Why should I accept this as my tribute?
Dr. Simons: It can be pretty monotonous in this place. You’ll benefit from some mental stimulation. And, I think you'll enjoy it.
SCP-3416: And what does a mortal like yourself do with such a cube?
Dr. Simons: It’s a puzzle. You scramble up all the sides, and you need to rearrange it so that each side is just one color.
SCP-3416: Why?
Dr. Simons: Well, it's challenging for most people. You have to use your wits to rearrange it properly.
SCP-3416: Maybe for you mortals! I, the Great Anoati, have a limitless mind! This is but a speck in the field of my senses! I will solve it with ease!
Dr. Simons: Then I’d be glad to see that next session. For now, our time is up. I’ll see you soon.
SCP-3416: This cube is nothing to me!
<End Log>
Interview Log 3416-8
Interviewed: SCP-3416
Interviewer: Dr. Chelsea Simons
Foreword: Session took place one week after previous interview of SCP-3416. Due to good behavior, a security team comprised of four officers remained on stand-by. SCP-3416 only speaks at a shouting volume throughout the interview.
<Begin Log>
SCP-3416 screams upon Dr. Simons' entry.
SCP-3416: I hate you, foul hag! You have tricked me and now, my wrath will be endless!
Dr. Simons: Hey, wow. Let's slow down.
SCP-3416: Anoati slows down for nobody!
Dr. Simons: What have I done wrong?
SCP-3416: This evil cube is unsolvable! With every foul twist it mocks me from its shining panels! I hate it! I will crush it!
Dr. Simons: Anoati, the cube isn't unsolvable. It's just hard to do. Most people can't solve it.
SCP-3416: No! I am no mortal! What is this…mind trick?
Dr. Simons: I assure you, I didn't mean any offense. It's just a puzzle.
SCP-3416: Well, Anoati despises this puzzle! I continue my war against those-who-make-weak-anoa-stone11!
Dr. Simons: Anoati, is there anything I can do to make you stop this?
SCP-3416: Sacrifice! Offer me the tribute of a life, and I shall bestow merciful mercy!
Dr. Simons: I'll see what I can do.
SCP-3416: Then go! Or I shall change my mind and slay you too!
<End Log>
Interview Log 3416-9
Interviewed: SCP-3416
Interviewer: Dr. Chelsea Simons
Foreword: Session took place four days after previous interview of SCP-3416. A security team comprised of four officers remained on stand-by. SCP-3416 only speaks at a shouting volume throughout the interview.
<Begin Log>
Dr. Simons: Good news, Anoati!
Dr. Simons enters with two security officers carrying a single deceased specimen of Sus scrofa, known as the wild boar.
SCP-3416: Hah hah! Yes! Now this is a thing I like!
SCP-3416 smashes the Rubik's Cube, which had previously been rotating six meters off of the ground, against the cell wall.
SCP-3416: I do not need this evil cube anymore!
Dr. Simons: Now, I think you can see that we're not all bad guys here.
SCP-3416: The Great Anoati must still consider! Many injustices have been done against me! Is this pig all that has to be offered?
Dr. Simons: Hey, don't push your luck.
SCP-3416: I do not believe in luck! Only the power of Anoati! More pigs!
Dr. Simons: Well, if you're going to be ungrateful, I can leave.
SCP-3416: Be grateful to me! For I am merciful and strong!
Dr. Simons leaves.
Dr. Simons: I want to be on your side. But you need to work with me.
SCP-3416: Anoati needs no one!
Dr. Simons: Anoati, I’ve been working with you for a while now. If you insist on having me leave, I will. But be prepared that I won’t come back.
SCP-3416: Hah! Anoati is not dependent on you!
<End Log>
Interview Log 3416-10
Interviewed: SCP-3416
Interviewer: Dr. Chelsea Simons
Foreword: Session took place nine days after previous interview of SCP-3416. There had been previous reports of a "loud, bellowing sound resembling deep cries" coming from SCP-3416's cell following the events of the previous interview. A security team comprised of four officers remained on stand-by. SCP-3416 only speaks at a shouting volume throughout the interview.
<Begin Log>
The wild boar from last session still remains in the center of the cell.
SCP-3416: Simons! You have returned to me! This is a most joyous occasion! I did not know if you should ever return!
Dr. Simons: Hi, Anoati. You're ready to cooperate now?
SCP-3416: Do not leave me again!
Dr. Simons: I’d love to, but I have my own life too, Anoati.
SCP-3416: But you will not leave forever?
Dr. Simons: I'll try not to.
SCP-3416: When you said you would leave, I felt strange and wrong! I did not like this feeling! There was nobody! You are the only one I do not want to violently murder, Simons!
Dr. Simons: And the tribute didn't do anything for you? I couldn't have done it myself, after all.
SCP-3416: I respect my tribute! For it, I will not violently murder everyone from those-who-make-weak-anoa-stone!
Dr. Simons: Well, it's a start.
SCP-3416: But I hate them and their clearly inferior Anoa-stone!
Dr. Simons: I understand.
SCP-3416: Do you have any gifts to offer me?
Dr. Simons: You know, you’ve still never said hello. I figured I've worked enough for at least that.
SCP-3416: Hello, female mortal Simons!
Dr. Simons: Hello, Anoati. How have you been doing?
SCP-3416: In deep thought! If I had not destroyed that vile cube, I could've turned it into Anoa-stone and destroyed these weak walls!
Dr. Simons: It's a real pity. Pig corpse didn’t give you much company?
SCP-3416: After three days, I tired of entertaining myself with the corpse! You may have your way with it!
Dr. Simons: Sure. We can take it away. And here’s a surprise for you.
Two security officers enter carrying a deceased specimen of Sus scrofa.
SCP-3416: Ah-hah! This makes me joyful! It even makes me not want to kill the black-clad strangers who accompany you! They shall be spared from my conquest!
Dr. Simons: That's great news, Anoati.
SCP-3416: Simons!
Dr. Simons: Yes?
SCP-3416: When will I see my people again?
Dr. Simons: I’m sure the opportunity will come soon.
SCP-3416: Of course! No one can resist my indomitable will!
Dr. Simons: Is that crying I hear?
SCP-3416: No! My voice is unaltered!
Dr. Simons: Okay, Anoati, okay. They'll be glad to see you.
SCP-3416: So you know, I am still wrathful and powerful! Anoati seeks sacrifice, and reverence! Base animal offerings are an acceptable way to show this!
Dr. Simons: Of course, Anoati.
<End Log>
Closing Statement: Dr. Simons' claim regarding a possible temporary return of SCP-3416 to █████ ███ are completely unsubstantiated. No plans are currently in effect to bring SCP-3416 out of containment. Dr. Simons is aware and has agreed with these protocols before the interview.
Interview Log 3416-12
Interviewed: SCP-3416
Interviewer: Dr. Chelsea Simons
Foreword: Session took place five days after previous interview of SCP-3416. A security team comprised of four officers remained on stand-by. SCP-3416 only speaks at a shouting volume throughout the interview.
<Begin Log>
Dr. Simons: Hello, Anoati.
SCP-3416: Dr. Simons! Seeing you is a welcome experience!
Dr. Simons: Thank you. I’m excited to see you too.
SCP-3416: Of course you would! Who would not be excited to see the Great Anoati!
Dr. Simons: So, I see you’ve been busy with the tribute we gave you last time.
The carcass from last session is in the center of the room, clearly mutilated.
SCP-3416: Dr. Simons! I enjoy being around you! I have made this to show you that you are one of Anoati’s chosen!
A “necklace,” made of a tied intestine with a heart attached, all transformed into iron, descends from the air.
Dr. Simons: I’m honored.
SCP-3416: As you should be!
Dr. Simons: So, I just put this around my neck?
SCP-3416 Yes! And then you never remove it!
Dr. Simons: Was there ever anybody else you’ve deemed “Anoati’s chosen?”
SCP-3416: No! You are a special human specimen! Relish in your specialness!
Dr. Simons: It’s great to work with you, Anoati.
SCP-3416: Yes!
Dr. Simons: Well, this is only gonna be a short session. I have a meeting to see if we can make those animal tributes a bit more regular for you. I’ll see you in a couple days.
SCP-3416: Do not be gone long, Simons!
<End Log>
Anoati的大冒险，第一章
鸭子，，上帝
Anomaly Report
The following anomalies are featured in this report:
SCP-3416:
Polynesian sculpture of a head, endowed with sapience and assorted limited anomalous abilities, those being vocal projection, telekinetic ability, material transmutation into metal, and mental possession. SCP-3416 believes itself to be a god and acts as such. Refers to itself as "Anoati," and to metal as "Anoa-stone."
SCP-3947:
Group of five sapient rubber ducks, stylized in assorted mobster attire. Instances of SCP-3947 have a mild reality-altering effect in which all affected entities act similarly to cartoons (damage taken is not permanent, weapons can materialize from nowhere, and certain rules of physics are shirked for cartoon effect). Instances of SCP-3947 have unique, exaggerated personalities reminiscent of New York mobsters.
SCP-3369:
Sapient memetic agent in the form of a joke. SCP-3369 can transmit its consciousness into individuals affected by the memetic agent, appearing as a mental voice in the mind of carriers. SCP-3369 has the personality of a New York standup comedian. It is unknown how many individuals are infected with SCP-3369.
It had been a slow day for The Great Anoati. Most days, though, had been slow ever since he was encaged by the wicked “Foundation” tribe. He stared idly at the recently-offered tribute of fowl in front of him. The Foundation gave it to him, rightfully. He had deserved it. But in all truthfulness, he was bored, though he’d never admit it.
He spent the first couple hours of the day once again attacking the obviously-weak anoa-stone walls in his chamber. He was certain they would fall any moment. After all, who could make anoa-stone better than him? He laughed at the thought as he continued to strike his self-made anoa-stone duck beak against the shining grey wall.
He spent the next couple of hours pacing the cell. Of course, he couldn’t actually walk since he lacked legs and a body, but levitation was very much suitable for the purpose. He had to keep himself in shape somehow. He raced laps and laps around that damned cage.
After he was tired enough to barely lift himself, he sat down upon his pedestal to think. He thought of his island and his people. They knew how to respect him. They knew what real power was. He thought of this “Foundation,” those makers of weak anoa-stone. He thought of Dr. Simons. She understood. Only she. One day he’d leave this containment chamber.
“Ey boss, where’s the exit ta this thing, huh?” A voice carrying an exaggerated New York accent (though Anoati couldn't identify it) interrupted.
“Patience, Pinstripes. I’m telling ya, dis vent’ll lead us straight to their coffas! Keep movin’.” An older voice said.
“Sh-sh-sh-should I blow it all up, boss?” A shrill voice shrieked.
“Blasty, don’t touch nothin’.”
“Shut it, boys. I find vent, up here.” A feminine voice with a thick Russian accent snapped.
A few small, metallic creaking sounds followed, ended with a large banging noise as the cover of an air vent fell from the wall.
“We’re in.”
Anoati was surprised to see that this voice was coming from none other than a small duck with a strange texture, curiously clad in a blue dress with a balaclava. This texture was rubber, though that was also a thing Anoati had never known.
“Comrades, stop! There is no wealth in this room!” The duck shouted. No sooner had it said this than it was pushed out of the vent by an even smaller duck in a leather jacket and sporting a pompadour.
“Quit hoggin’ da door, Natasha! I want some cash!” It yelled as it pushed its way out of the vent.
“Get back here, Tiny! Ya gotta look fo’ traps first, or else they’ll getcha!” A duck in a pinstripe suit and fedora yelled, looking out the vent.
“He-he-he-he-hah!” An unstable voice cawed, as a duck covered in blast armor leaped through the opening, dragging down the suited duck and a final tuxedoed duck with a pencil-thin mustache, collapsing in a pile on the floor.
“Welp, I suppose we’re in da thick of it now. What have we here?” The tux duck said, straightening himself out and turning towards Anoati.
“Visitors! What a welcome occurrence!” Anoati bellowed, surprised yet pleased.
“Aw, shut it, headman.” The Boss said, observing the room, finally seeing the pile of fowl before Anoati. “Da hell is dis?”
“Great quackin’ quails, Boss, dem’s ducks in dat pile!” Pinstripes yelled. The other ducks began assorted panicking.
“Have you come to pay your respects to me, the Great Anoati? For that is me, the all-great and strong!”
“Dis is messed up!” Tiny yelled.
“Ge-ge-get back to da vent!” Blasty shouted, pushing his way back to the wall.
“You pushed me down, ya dolt!” Pinstripes screamed, slapping Blasty.
“I followed T-Tiny! Hah! Now w-we’re all stuck here!”
“Silence your mouths! What tribute do you nomads offer to me?” Anoati questioned, fully understanding that the conversation was veering away from him.
“Listen ta him, ya dumbbells!” The Boss said, silencing the gang. “Now watcha want, ya statue?”
“Statue? I am much more than simple statue! I am Anoati, divine ruler and powerful leader! I am god! Now, offer tribute and sacrifice or-“
“Yeah, yeah, and what’re you gonna do, huh?” Pinstripes questioned, menacingly patting a spiked club.
“Da, what do you do, headperson?” Natasha asked.
“Refer to me by my name! And I demand tribute, or you shall bear witness to my rage!”
“Howsabout dat? Stony-boy here’s tryin’ da extortion game?” The Boss called to his gang.
“Heh heh, I sez we break his neck!” Tiny shouted, pulling out a large bat.
“Ya ignoramus, he ain’t got no neck!” Pinstripes yelled back.
“Silence! Anoati has no need for your blathering! What brings you…creatures to this place?” Anoati asked, hovering a few feet from the ground.
“Whatcha think? We’re here fo’ da cash! Now where ya hidin’ it?!” The Boss menaced, poking a wing at Anoati.
“You come seeking the fabled treasure of Anoati!? Begone, for it is far beyond your reaches, you strange duck-creatures! Your greed serves only to annoy me!”
“Who you callin’ creatures?” Tiny roared.
“More importantly, where is treasure?” Natasha added.
“Boys, if we want dis treasure, we’re gonna need to rough dis guy up good!” The Boss said.
“Enough of your imputence!” Anoati bellowed. The ducks had gotten close enough to him to be in his range, and he flung the tuxedoed duck into the chamber’s wall. “I will suffer no more of it!”
“No one throws the Boss that way! Get ‘im!” Pinstripes cried, launching at Anoati with his large crowbar.
“Hyeh-hah-hah-hah! Now we’re talkin’!” Blasty laughed, pulling a comically simple flamethrower from nowhere.
Tiny, too, ran towards Anoati, flinging himself through the air like the other ducks with his baseball bat, a sharp nail driven through the top. Natasha brandished a handful of knives, tossing them towards Anoati.
Anoati threw them in every direction, smashing their oversized weapons against each other. Still, they came back with more giant weapons. Anoati knew not what sorcery this was, but knew he must slay these evil creatures. But whatever blow he inflicted upon them by their own weapons, whether it be an axe or an anvil, they always seemed to bounce back. Even seemingly fatal attacks did little to injure them.
“Take this!” Anoati shouted as he turned the Boss into pure Anoa-stone. He moved no longer, now shining a lustrous sheen.
“W-w-w-what’d you do!?” Blasty screamed, rushing to the immobilized bird. The other birds joined in too, surrounding him.
Anoati tried flinging them away. “Get back here! Anoati has not finished!” Alas, they were out of reach. “Come here and fight me!”
“Quiet, the Boss needs sum serious treatment!” Pinstripes yelled at Anoati, yanking a hospital bed from the air and shoving the Boss onto it.
“You shall not insult Anoati this way!”
“Jeez, have sum respect!” Tiny shouted, shooting a stern glance at Anoati.
“No, I-“
“Halt your words, godman. This is not your concern.” Natasha said, now holding a too-large bone saw in one wing. “Now, who knows dee medicines?”
“I can g-g-give it a shot! Lemme at ‘im!” Blasty said as he took the bone saw, bending it into a duck-shaped outline on the metal Boss. Dejected, he turned to the others. “Welp, th-th-that’s all I got.”
“I haven’t fini-“
“Wait! I got sum C-C-C4! We can b-blow the metal right off!
Pinstripes whacked him in the head. “Blasty, don’t touch nuthin’!”
“Ya know, dey say laughta’s da best medicine! And since we don’t got real medicines, lemme cracka joke!” Tiny proposed. "I heard dis one over in da west wing! Sum folks in cells wus tellin' it to each otha!" At this point, Anoati started shouting at the mobster ducks, doing so loud enough for him to completely miss the joke.
“I shall rip your tiny strange beaks from your tiny strange bodies! I will keep your heads as trophies, and make coats out of your strange, naked skin! Finish your fight! Are you not warriors? Fight me! Cowards! Get over here!”
“I’d be more than welcome ta do just dat.” The Boss said, hobbling out of his bed. “Hot dog, that joke cured me! Really is da best medicine, huh!”
“How did you do that?! No one destroys my Anoa-stone! What have you done?!”
“I told ‘im a heckuva joke. Now let’s go beat up dis heckuva joke!” Tiny said, now brandishing an axe and flying towards Anoati. All the other ducks followed, attacking Anoati again.
Elsewhere, Dr. Simons was having a pretty good day. There was a light workload, nice weather, and even free donuts at the front desk. All she had left to do was give Anoati a visit. Sure, he could be a bit… much, but she had learned that really, he was a kind being. Since she had gotten him to stop being angry all the time, the visits had been relatively simple and pleasant. She said hi to Florence, the single security guard at the door (there used to be four of them before Anoati became less hostile).
Then she opened the door to find Anoati engaged in flinging weapon-wielding rubber ducks around him like he was some miniature sun in a tiny galaxy of ducks.
She sighed.
“Florence?”
“Yes, Dr. Simons?”
“We’re going to need Task Force Omega-16 in here, stat.”
“On it.”
Within the minute, a group of armor-clad operatives carrying unwieldingly-large hammers and burlap sacks rushed into the chamber. Though Dr. Simons couldn’t watch, she could hear a large series of crashing noises, the sound of a piano falling, erratic gunfire, and some thumping sounds. The task force came out with their burlap sacks closed, small hectic figures writhing and threatening from within. She then decided to talk to Anoati.
“Simons!”
“Anoati, I’m disappointed.”
—————
Now in their bathtub, stuck within a large containment chambers, the mobster ducks reconvened.
“Fellas, we’ve been stiffed! We neva got no treasure, and I gots a big ol’ bump where ya dropped da piano, Tiny!” The Boss growled, puffing on a big cigar.
“Sorry Boss.”
“Betta be! Next time, we’ll find dat ancient treasure!”
The ducks floated around for a second, growling and angry.
“At least I saved ya from da metal, ey?” Tiny said.
“Saved me? Ya mean the joke ya told me? Dat joke stunk!”
“Well I was a fan of it.”
The ducks searched around them.
“Who da heck said dat?” Pinstripes shouted. The voice each duck had heard was masculine and had a New York accent, though it was much less exaggerated than the ducks’.
“Don’t bother, I’m inside all of your tiny duck brains.” The voice said.
“Watcha doin’ in there?” Tiny yelled.
“More importantly, who are ya?” The Boss shouted.
“People, people, settle down. I’m The Joke!”
“Beat me to da punch,” Pinstripes muttered.
“Hah, looks like I’m not the only comedian in the room! I came from the joke the greaser duck told. That’s me.” The voice said. “But for real, I think I really like you fools. Let’s talk.”
“Dere’s only thing I wanna talk ta you about, and dat’s gettin’ you outta my head! What’s it to ya, huh?” The Boss menaced.
“Okay, okay, not huge fans on the whole “voice in the your head” thing, I get it.” The Joke in their heads said. “But let me tell ya, in the short time I’ve known you guys, I’ve been impressed! All of you and that Anoati guy — that was something! Real comedy gold, if ya ask me!”
“Get to your point, joke-person.” Natasha snapped.
“I wanna stay around a bit more with you guys. You’re going back to Anoati, right? I can read the room. C’mon, let me in on it.” The Joke said. “All I’m saying is that you could use some extra manpower.”
“…Manpower from a ghost voice?” Tiny asked.
“Well, I got a couple of hosts being held over in the west wing. I know they’d be jumping at the opportunity to get outta here.” The Joke offered.
“Sure, buddy. And dat’s the part where ya stab us in da back, eh? I’m on ta ya!” The Boss shouted, pointing a wing at no one in particular.
“You can call the shots. I’m just here to see what happens.” The Joke said nonchalantly. “You guys are fun, and I sure could use the inspiration. Also, I know the entire site’s layout. I’m in the hearts and minds of employees throughout the Foundation.”
The ducks floated around for a bit in the languid bath water, thinking. The Boss puffed on his cigar a few more times while Tiny rubbed a dirty rag over a spiked club.
“Fine, we’re in.” The boss said, tossing his cigar aside. “Now how’re we gettin’ dere?”
—————
“Hmph. Silly Foundation should at least try and hide air ducts from us!” Natasha puffed as she unscrewed an air duct in the west wing. It fell past a large sign on the wall reading "3369."
“Who the hell is there?” The woman in the cell asked. “Just… just move on, I’m not the person you want!”
She had long black hair covering a thin, blemished face. She wore an orange jumpsuit with the tag D-99168. She began speaking seemingly to herself.
“No, I’m not listening to you! Fuck off! Leave me!” She shouted.
“Great, we get da loon!” Pinstripes remarked.
“You’re one to talk.” The Joke said. “Come on, nothing? Tough crowd. Anyways she’s the one.”
“Den let’s nab ‘er!” Tiny whispered, carrying a large burlap sack.
Before the woman could react, Pinstripes and Tiny descended, wrapping her within the burlap sack. She struggled as the ducks hauled her back towards the vent.
“Awww, dere’s no way she’s fittin’ in here!” Pinstripes lamented as he pulled through the vent. The vent was indeed too small for the woman to fit. Blasty laughed.
“You j-j-just some elbow grease!” Blasty pulled out a bottle labeled “ELBOW GREASE,” smothering the contents on the air vent. This time, impossibly, the woman in the sack slipped inside.
“Well call me Wallace Shawn, because this is inconceivable! Now I know how Santa must have felt!” The Joke mused.
“Shut it.” The Boss said, annoyed.
“Gotcha, Boss.”
—————
Now, Anoati wasn’t feeling very grand. Dr. Simons had told him off for fighting the strange duck-creatures instead of reporting them, which was a strange experience. Any other person, and he would slay them with his near-limitless power. But Dr. Simons-what was she? Was it… respect? Mortal humans weren’t worthy of respect! They were ants! They were-
“We’re baaaaaaack.” An exaggerated voice called through the air vent.
“Can I b-b-b-blow up the vent this time?” Blasty’s muffled voice asked behind the wall.
“Blasty, do not touch a thing. We are in.” Natasha said as the vent’s cover clattered onto the floor. And with that, five ducks, two of which were carrying a person-sized sack, entered the room.
“Returned for more combat, I see! Now I shall enact my rage!” Anoati yelled, excited to settle this.
“Hey, whoah whoah! No need fo’ dat! We just wantcha treasure! Now where is it!” The Boss interrogated. The sack the ducks were carrying was still thrashing around.
“Hey folks! I believe our captive here is convinced enough to help ya now! Her name’s Sarah Merrill by the way, probably beats “prisoner lady! You can let her out.” The ducks followed The Joke’s advice as the unkempt woman jumped to her feet.
“Oh Jesus, what have I gotten myself into?” She moaned, taking a look at her fowl captors and holding a hand to her head.
“You return with reinforcements! No matter, I can slay you all!” Anoati shouted, now becoming angered.
“Can ya just tell us where da treasure is?” The Boss asked.
“Harrumph!” The godly head scowled. “It is far away! Upon my island with my people across the blue seas, at the center of everything in the world!”
The ducks convened for a second, while Sarah leaned against a wall, still gaining her bearings. Finally, the returned to face Anoati.
“And ya know how ta get there?” The Boss asked.
“This “Foundation” has taken me far from my home! I know not where I am!”
“But if we took ya there?”
“If you should escort me to my land, then you would be rewarded greatly! But betray me, and face eternal agony!”
“Yeah, sure. Dat works for us.” The Boss agreed. “So let’s get outta here.”
At this, Sarah joined the conversation. “Huh, we’re getting out of here?” She was now visibly excited.
“Yeah we are! And da Joke wants ta take you too. Let’s go!” The Boss declared. “Boys, waddya got?”
Tiny spoke up. “Boss, I got a hole in me pocket.” Sarah sighed. Her disappointment was interrupted by Tiny pulling a sizable black circle from his pocket. “Now let’s blast outta dis prison gig!”
The Boss turned to the gang. “Lock and load, fellas.” Anoati floated towards them as they gathered.
“Haha! I shall wreak devastation upon these evil men!”
“Now dat’s more like it.” The Boss said.
“I still do not like you though! Now let us battle!”
Everyone ran to the wall as Tiny brought the hole into the wall. The Boss and Pinstripes loaded comically-simple tommy guns. Tiny smacked a spiked baseball bat into his wing, and Natasha materialized handfuls of knives into her wings. Blasty just laughed as he pulled on straps of explosives.
“Does this woman know how to fight?” Anoati questioned.
“Ehh… no.” She admitted. “ I can just follow you in the back.”
“Nonsense! I shall possess you, and you shall fight alongside us!” Anoati boomed.
“Wha-?” Sarah almost said, before stopping mid-word. As this happened, a different voice came from her mouth. A New York, male’s voice.
“Wowee! Now this is what I call lip service!” It said.
“What foul sorcery is this?!” Anoati questioned.
“Oh where are my manners? I’m the living joke, they call me SCP-3369. Anoati, living joke. Living Joke, Anoati. Pleasure to meetcha!”
“What?” Anoati was lost.
“Well for most I’m the voice in the back of people’s heads, but it looks like Sarah’s not in control anymore. Feels good to have a body!”
Sarah stood still for a moment, saying nothing. The ducks fiddled with their weapons, hitting each other’s heads while doing so.
“Huh. Body doesn’t seem to be moving. Just the mouth. Heh, ain’t this awkward.” The Joke remarked.
“It is because I control the body! Your power is nothing compared to mine!” Anoati laughed.
Pinstripes turned to the talking two. “It’s time. Hit it, Tiny!”
With this, Tiny pushed the hole into the wall. As it made contact with the wall, the blackness of the circle drained away with a vacuum-like sound to reveal a large, nondescript lab space. Scientists in lab coats fussed over microscopes, carrying papers and typing on computers. The sound of the hole caused many to look at the disturbance. What came next, none of them expected.
“Hit da floor, nerds!” Pinstripes shouted, spraying the room with cartoon bullets. Scientists were thrown back with the force of rubber bullets. The world-altering cartoon aura that surrounded the ducks meant that all their attacks were non-fatal, leaving the innocents to be knocked out at worst.
Tiny rushed into the fray, swinging his bat like a crazed berserker. He laughed the whole time. Blasty was laughing too, chucking miniature bombs into the scientist faces. Anoati bellowed a mighty warcry as he floated through the room, levitating pens and turning them to Anoa-stone. They blasted through the air into fleeing lab coats. The Boss stayed in the back, chewing on a cigar and shooting his tommy gun back-to-back with Pinstripes. Knives flew from Natasha’s wings, and Sarah was tossed around the room like a poorly-controlled puppet, flinging punches and kicks around the room.
“Looks like I’m a regular Bruce Lee over here!” The Joke mused. Within minutes, the room was still, littered with unconscious scientist bodies.
“Heh, dese schmucks don’t know what hit ‘em!” Pinstripes chuckled.
Tiny turned to the group. “Duhhh… what now?” He asked. Sarah chimed in in the joke’s voice.
“Everyone, wait.” She remained still. “Anoati, move me to the center of the room.”
Sarah moved with a disconnected gait into the room’s center, almost tripping over a few bodies.
“I just heard something really great, guys. So there’s this Dr. Roy fella I’ve been friends with for a while. He doesn’t actually know it, since I’ve never talked to him because you know how these Foundation blockheads are. Anyways, I feel like we really woulda hit it off. Fun guy.”
“Moy bog, get to the point!” Natasha shouted.
“Well this Dr. Roy guy just left a meeting with the director, and he said that this guy’s leaving right away in a van outside to a certain Polynesian island for assessment! It’s perfect!”
The ducks cheered at the sound of this.
“And n-n-now, I blow up da room!” Blasty shrieked.
“Blasty, don’t touch nuthin’!” The Boss snapped.
“Well, let us go onwards! We will use this ‘van’ object to lead me home! Forward!” Anoati proclaimed.
“…and it’ll lead us right to da treasure, eh boys?” The Boss chimed in towards his gang. They giggled as the group left the lab into a steel hallway. They continued down it for a matter of minutes, with no one in sight.
“Wow, it’s emptier than Tiny’s brain in here! Thank god for Sundays off, right?” The Joke joked. Anoati began to slow.
“Um, people! Wait for the Great Anoati!” He rumbled as he commanded the mind-controlled Sarah towards him. She carried him on an arm and continued her run through the hallway.
“Looks like someone ain’t so all-powerful after all.” The Joke quipped.
“Silence! I could have you killed with ease! Anoati simply tires after spending many hours exerting his powerful ability of levitation! He now seeks rest for the next battle! Continue onwards!”
And so the party rushed onwards. Soon, the Joke had to speak.
“Uh, guys? One problem I may not have mentioned earlier: the van doesn’t show up for another hour.”
The group grumbled.
“Why couldn’tve ya told us earlier, ya two-bit joke!?” Pinstripes snarled. “Well, we know a place ta hide out for a bit.”
“No! A mighty god such as Anoati shall not hide!”
“We don’t got time fo’ dis! Da guards’ll show up any minute! Quick, turn ‘ere!” The Boss commanded. Anoati griped and yelled as the group made a sharp turn into a sizeable closet. There they remained, biding their time for the fight ahead.
—————
“So, what’s your damage?” The Joke asked Anoati. They’d been idling in there for the better part of an hour, spending most of the time accidentally attacking each other. The non-ducks spent most of their time trying to prevent the ducks from doing this.
“Hmph! I have never been damaged! I am a god!” Anoati muttered, nesting in Sarah’s lap like he had for the past hour.
“Sure, buddy. But in the short time I’ve met ya, I can tell you’re not alright. Say what you want, but I can feel you.”
“Heretic!” Anoati scoffed. The ducks remained silent, listening in.
“It’s okay. I’m not judging. Matter of fact, things haven’t been smooth sailin’ for me either.” Anoati remained silent, listening. “Hey, wanna hear a joke?”
At this time, the ducks began fighting again, this time with Tiny running from everyone else. The antics were loud and distracting. By the end, the joke had told itself.
“…well? Whaddya think?” Anoati paused for a few seconds.
“I do not understand it! What is this ‘car’ thing? Or a ‘bar,’ what is that?” Anoati questioned, very confused.
“Ah, screw it. Still, it means a lot to me, ya know? Since, well, it is me. I know it’s not the best joke, but I try. Most people don’t even appreciate it. Just makes me feel…alone, ya dig?” The Joke said, as Natasha removed the crowbar from Tiny’s Head.
“Loneliness, hm? I never understood the thing! Anoati is beyond mere emotion! Anoati is a mighty god! Well, you have been loyal minions.” He said to The Joke. “Lately, Anoati feels…restless? Everything has been wrong since these “Foundation” men have taken me away! What have I become?”
“Eh, Anoati? Can ya make this body nod in sympathy?” The Joke asked.
“It is done! I can do that, yet am I not a god? Why do I not feel it? They treat me as a prisoner! I must return home immediately! It is not right in this wicked place!”
“I get ya. Let’s get out of here, buddy.”
“I am no ‘buddy!’ I am your god!”
“Sure thing.”
—————
The ducks peered out of the cracked door. They watched as two armed guards strolled down the hallway.
“I am on it.” Natasha stated. She pulled a rope besides her, and two anvils dropped on the heads of the guards, incapacitating them.
“Alrighty, lets go! There’s an exit really close to here! Just gotta take two more rights!” The Joke said joyfully.
The strange group ran through the facility before coming to a final door.
“Open this gate!” Anoati commanded. Natasha was already at the control panel. Within seconds, it slowly pulled away. Natural light shines through the opened door, illuminating an asphalt parking lot, as well as a troop of well-armed soldiers.
“Chert, they were waiting!” Natasha remarked. “Get back!”
Explosive gunfire erupted throughout the hall, as Anoati and company jumped to the side of the door.
“Well, the joke’s on us, isn’t it?” The Joke mentioned. “We’re not getting through all of that in one piece.”
The Boss stood unsteady. “Darn it, dis can’t be it! What about ya island? How will ya get dere now? Dis story ain’t over! Dat’s it, I’m going in! Follow me or be left behind, robber ducks!”
And with that, the ducks jumped through the doorway. Gunfire ricocheted and multiplied, as did shouting.
“L-l-let me handle this!” Blasty yelled over the ruckus.
Pinstripes spoke up. “Blasty! Don’t touch-“
“No. Blasty, blow it all up!” The Boss shouted.
“Hyeh-hah-hah-haaah!” Blasty yelled, as a mighty, thunderous explosion rang throughout.
Anoati and The Joke heard The Boss as the explosion settled and gunfire continued. “Head-man! Joke-man! Get goin’!”
“What about you, you crazy duck?” The Joke asked.
“We’re held up here, it looks. I heard ya story! Sad stuff! Go on, get to ya island! Fuggedaboutit!” He yelled, as he disappeared into a blast of dust and flame. Anoati and The Joke rushed through the doorway.
“Stick to the side. The van’s right there!” The Joke said. The mind-controlled Sarah, carrying Anoati, sprinted into the back of the van, closing the doors as they did so. They heard shouting from the front of the van, separate from them by a thin wall.
“Damnit, what the hell’s happening over there? Do we have all our supplies!?”
“Let’s get out of here!”
“But we’re supposed to wait for authentication! We can’t skip that!”
“Oh yes we can! See that explosion? That’ll be us in a few minutes! Now drive!”
And with that, the van zoomed off. After a couple of silent minutes, The Joke began breathing heavily.
“What ails you, ally?” Anoati asked.
“Aw hell.” He said, regretfully. “I… I need to leave now.”
“No! I command you to stay!”
“Anoati, they’re taking the other hosts hostage. Sarah here’s not the only host of me they kept. They’re holding guns to my other friends, telling me to come back.”
“Forget them! There is no cause more worthy than aiding Anoati!”
“No, I’m not a killer. I’m sorry, but I need to leave.” He said heavily. “It’s a shame. Sarah…she was a good person. That’s why I had the ducks save her. I wanted her to have a better life than this. I really liked her.”
“Do not say this! Do not leave!”
“Anoati, make Sarah open the door.”
“No!”
But even as he yelled no, Sarah opened the back door of the van. The rumble of the highway filled the back of the van.
“It can’t be like this!”
The joke paused. “Huh… maybe it won’t! Anoati, you’re a god, yeah?”
“Of course Anoati is a god!”
“Then…erase me from this girl’s mind. I don’t know if you can do it, but if you can take away Sarah’s control, you can take away mine. She deserves it.”
“Hmph!”
“Anoati? Do it. I won’t let them die.”
“Fine!” Anoati screamed. The light and focus in Sarah’s eyes began fading.
“But hey, if you’re ever around, come give me a visit here, huh? See the show! I’ll be here every night.” The Joke said, in a mirthful tone tinged with sadness. “Thanks for watching.”
And with that, Sarah slumped to the floor. She turned her head and looked around.
“So who the hell are you?” She said, in her normal voice.
“I am The Great and Powerful Anoati!”
—————
Back at the site, a different van took to the road. This one had been parked right next to the one Anoati had gotten on. Dr. Roy, covering his head as he scrambled through the battle zone, slammed the side door closed as he got in this van. It took off towards the airport, on its way to the Pacific.
Anoati’s van continued its way to Site-72.
Now, for more fun, take a look at Aleph-Null's submission here!
项目编号： SCP-CN-XX
项目等级： Euclid Keter
特殊收容措施：
该异常应收容于10倍标准人形收容间内
重编版本 CN-XX-3
该异常的扩散范围已达到无法再进行收容的程度，但由于该异常的威胁性，仍将项目等级定为Keter。
XX博士： 随它去吧，反正它对我们的影响不能再扩大了。
描述：目前认为SCP-XX是由一群微生物组成的，在接触到其他生物后，异常会对其实施感染。受试者受到感染后，会经历三个阶段：
- 第一阶段：受试者身上开始长出“彩色”的菌群12，在菌群出现的部位，受试者会感受到瘙痒。通过对该菌群的取样分析，发现这部分菌群的遗传信息包含多个物种，植物DNA占其中极大部分，还有一些无法与目前已知物种的DNA匹配的遗传信息（甚至不像DNA）。
- 第二阶段：第一阶段中的菌群经过长时间13繁殖后，原先长有菌群的部分生长出了一些不同动植物的“器官”。在该阶段，受试者的身高逐渐缩短，肌肉与骨骼等移动至新“器官”处。据受试者描述，他貌似可以通过那部分的肌肉活动来控制那些“器官”，只不过该阶段时间太短，无法熟练控制。
- 第三阶段：达到第二阶段后大约23分钟，受试者就进入了第三阶段。从第二阶段的结束14开始，“器官”逐渐缩回受试者体内，且受试者身高逐渐伸长回原来高度。直到第三阶段结束，受试者从外观上与感染前无异。
当受试者（包括植物）经历三个阶段后，其心智及形态将不再受其控制，经过多次试验发现无论任何物种达到最终形态后其动作形态以及意识几乎相同，就像一个意识体拥有多个个体。
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