Joey Fucknuts Builds a Flying Machine
乔伊·操蛋造了架飞行机器
http://www.scp-wiki.net/joey-fucknuts-builds-a-flying-machine
作者:CadaverCommanderCadaverCommander
译者:Tunardine777Tunardine777

翻译发布于:http://scp-wiki-cn.wikidot.com/joey-fucknuts-builds-a-flying-machine
翻译开始时间:05 Apr 2018
翻译发布时间:10 Apr 2018



http://www.scp-wiki.net/life-in-the-multiverse

“传送门已稳定。你可以出发了。见到507的话向他问声好。”传送门操作员被他自己开的玩笑给逗乐了。

Trevor Bailey穿过前往F-601432-Gamma的传送门。他现身于另一边,由Manna,Siskel,Parker及Cooper慈善信托基金会运营的Site-87。MSCPCT的方针是使用异常古神器造福人类,但他们孤掌难鸣;基金会的政策是控制,收容,保护,而MSCPCT则是“拯救,提供,创造更美好的世界。” "Save, Provide and Create for a better world."

在这个宇宙,柑橘是不可食用的(维生素C在摄入后会导致中毒)而被当作一种廉价的生物燃料;然而,柑橘在70年代大幅度灭绝,目前已被巴西政府严格管控,他们拒绝向美国出口柑橘。MSCPCT会用少量石油交换一大船弗罗里达橘子汁。

Trevor唯一想知道的就是为什么这宇宙里没人患上坏血病。


在另一个全新世界的一片大草原上,Tom Bailey走入了夕阳投下的影子。这里有一处很明显的不同:他身边的植物全是红色而非绿色。另外,远处似乎还有大象,与貌似美洲野牛的生物和谐共存。有喷气式飞机那么大的鸟类在头顶上无害地盘旋;它们只吃和它们一同飞行的巨虫。天上下着雨,气温是暖和的70华氏度。接下来的24小时他将在这里扎营度过,采集泥土和植物样本,甚至是动物标本,如果他能做到的话。“太棒啦。”

Tom喜欢这样的世界。在这里他有一种重返童年的感觉,如同进入了近乎虚幻的世界一般。又或许这个宇宙,和其他另几个宇宙本来就是:幻想。仅仅是某个下雨天某个小孩绘制的贴在冰箱上的涂鸦。一个蜡笔画中的宇宙。


Tristan Bailey望向纽约的地平线。当然,这并不是他的纽约;双子塔仍然屹立着,克莱斯勒大厦却不见了踪影。世贸中心后方隐约可见两个月亮;第三个要再过大概一个小时才会升起,第四个则是在早晨才会现身。

城镇工作总让他感到心神不宁;他能做的只有观察,比如现在他就身处现代艺术博物馆,观察着一场异常艺术展。确切的说,是在现代艺术博物馆上空约半米处;展览的焦点是《诱惑》,一块悬浮在纽约上分的巨型磁石,上面还附有蹦极用的窗口。

“现在,在开启通往不可能的艺术的世界的旅途之前,让我们欢迎现代艺术博物馆的馆长,亚方斯·希特勒!”"And now, to begin our journey through the world of Larts Dimpossible, the Curator of the Museum of Modern Art, Alfons Hitler!" 听到这Tristan差点把他的饮料喷出来,然后他忽然想起这个宇宙里只发生过一次世界大战。

今晚应该会很有意思。


用Trevor的话来说,A-2190-Omega就应该原地自爆。

A-2190-Omega had swapped time zones, and in addition to that, the Earth spun the wrong direction. He had to wake up at 1:00 AM to go to a meeting at 1:00 PM in this universe's Site 87. The coffee was unbearably sweet, the energy drinks were bitter, and they had destroyed their ozone layer, so natural light was a no-no.

Trevor envied his brothers; the most he got to see was the inside of other universe's SCP sites, while Tom got to go exploring, and Tristan? Tristan could do what he wanted for the sake of research. He had even taken over Trevor's duties as a diplomat once.

"Mr. Bailey, if you are going to sleep, then please go to the dormitory in your native universe." The room let out a cackle. Trevor sighed; why was it that in every universe, people with blue skin were absolute dickheads?


“有什么值得注意的情况吗,Bailey博士?”

“妙极了!这个宇宙里,英语发展出了一个词,可以同时押purpleorange的韵!我把它写了下来……”

“在送到语言学部门前我们会对它进行模因检测。还有别的吗?”

“那啥,美利坚合众国的第一任总统是个双性人。诸如此类的。”


Bailout:所以,这就是为什么布斯会刺杀林肯。
Herstri0nix:狗屎。
sirsolmanhandyman:布斯怎么会想去刺杀林肯呢?布斯是废奴主义者啊。
snickeringsnicket:这是我自westmarkhero上次设想的一个没有蝙蝠侠漫画的世界因为比尔·芬格成了个核科学家或者别的什么而爆炸以来听过的最狗屎的玩意
MarvelRoxDCSux: DC耍了比尔·芬格!
MarvelRoxDCSux被Herstri0nix踢出了#historitdidnthappen(滚你娘的小学生)
snickeringsnicket:不过,你剧本里提到的那个人人都被电影《林肯》的结局震撼到了这段我还蛮喜欢的

Tristan翻了个白眼,长叹一口气。为了“研究”,他加入了这宇宙里的一个历史假设聊天室,为此他后悔万分。不过,这里确实很有学习价值,虽说也很痛苦;比方说,首次登月发生在1962年,可直到1970年这件事才公之于众。

Bailout:好吧,是有点扯过头了,不过这个如何:兴登堡号起火了。
Herstri0nix:我想听听……


Tom took off his breathing apparatus as he joined his brothers in Tristan's quarters. "I was just in a universe where the air was pure ethanol, but doesn't ignite." He grinned. "I got someone in chemistry making a liquor out of it as we speak. Assuming the lab animals don't die, we'll have trans-universal hooch by the weekend."

Tristan let out a snort. "I was in the universe you found last month, F-90241-Phi; as it turns out, Isaac Newton figured out a way to convert lead into platinum. It involves a Hell of a lot of radiation, and as a result, cancer is the number one cause of death in the world."

Trevor sighed. "I got sucked into negotiations with the Republic of Australia-Hungary."

Tom blinked. "Don't you mean Austria?"

"No. Australia. As in kangaroos, Steve Irwin, G'day mate… they wanted to trade a plant that grew fucking Vegemite for the introduction of the hazelnut to their ecosystem." He sighed. "Sometimes, I don't know if we have the best job in the world, or the worst."

"Think of it this way, Trev." Tristan said. "Within the next few months, you'll get to have a nice, cozy office at Site 19 instead of working in the backwoods town of Backwoods."

Trevor snorted. "I hope you enjoy having my old position, bro. You'll be stuck here with Tom Bombadill." He smirked at Tom, who threw a small, metal canteen at his head in response.


这个山头是方圆几里内他能看见的唯一的陆地。他现在正站在它的顶端上。

这里温暖怡人。头顶的太阳虽是赤红的,但并不是红巨星,仅仅是大气层给它上了色而已。可直接呼吸的氧气,虽然被染成了缤纷的颜色。Tom站在山顶上环顾四周,给他身边的空气照着相。他才不在乎这是不是一个流浪世界;他经常发现流浪世界要比什么主世界或者支世界迷人12倍。

一群牙齿如锯齿般尖利的大型鱼形生物围绕着山顶。它们的体型大到你可以开着齐柏林飞艇从它们的嘴里飞进去,一个星期内飞不到另一端。他尽可能多地拍着照片,当终于耗尽照相机的储存空间时,他心满意足地舒了一口气。

“Bailey博士?你可以回来了。我们将在十分钟内关闭传送门。”

“再等个一小会儿吧,如果你们不在意的话。”


“我很抱歉,由于你们的宇宙里地球重力比这边高了约四倍,我们之间的协商无法再继续。除非你们过来这边,否则只能到此为止。”

“那我想只能到此为止了。”另一边切断了连接,这让Trevor松了一口气。当然,他也不是不能找副外骨骼来用,但这会让文书签署平添并无必要的麻烦。


Tristan揉了揉自己的头发,向通向另一个宇宙的稳定窗口看去。“等等……所以,在这个现实里,地球是一个气态巨行星?”

Tom点点头,望向传送门的另一端。“虽说有个固态地核。气压不算很高,重力也在正常范围内;理论上来说你可以安全地在它的表面上行走而不会被压个粉碎。”

“这地核多大?”

“直径一公里左右。”

“它这地平线可够短的。”

“可不是嘛。”

“有生命存在吗?”

“不,并没有。只是个流浪世界,恐怕。”

“……反正你一定会想探索看看的,对吧?”

“这还用说吗?”


“各位好,我是Trevor Bailey。我正通过SCP基金会开发的心灵感应沟通器向你们讲话……”

Trevor环顾着另一个Site-87的入口处,几个绿皮肤的人类正一脸困惑地看着他。“什么CP基金会?”

“艾思——”

离Trevor最近的那人脑袋忽然爆炸了。浑身溅满鲜血的他立马跳回传送门,一把关闭了它。

“这种人都没进化出分辨字母“S”的能力的倒霉宇宙是怎么回事?!”


“等下……动物和人类一同进化,这是怎么做到的?”

“坦白说,如果你不是个进化生物学家,或者至少是个遗传学家,那就很难向你解释清楚。”会说话的郊狼并非Tristan Bailey见过的最离奇的东西;甚至都排不进前十。后腿直立行走也许可以排上前50,对生拇指排在前30。让它排进前20的是它身上穿的实验服。“这么说吧,这是离不开异种繁殖的。”

Tristan闭上眼睛,露出了复杂的表情:“呃。”而郊狼只是哼了一声,然后抱怨起某些有关种族主义的事情来。


“重力似乎并不存在于这个宇宙,”Tom对着一台磁带录音机说道,“然而,我能像这样录制声音的事实证明了其它力,比如磁力和强弱相互作用力,还是存在的。”

“尽管,”Tom说道,俯视着下面的世界(如果“下面”这词还适用于这里的话),“让人疑惑的是,这颗行星是怎么在没有重力的情况下还能围绕着太阳公转的,更别提太阳又是怎么在没有重力的情况下形成的。”


Trevor叹着气,手指不停地敲击着桌子,眼睛盯着坐在他面前的双头人看。“你似乎很困扰,”他们通过翻译交谈着,“当前的情况有任何让你不满的地方吗?”

“我只想休息一会,就这样。”

“等我们的生意谈完你就能休息一会了。”Trevor抱怨了几句,把头转向了另一边。其实这办公室是有扇窗子的 ,for once,而且就开在一片沙漠对面。天空虽然也是蓝色,但比故乡那的天空要暗沉许多——就是那种你会在男孩子卧室里看见的蓝色。另外,外头有三个小型的太阳。Tristan揉了揉眼,试图把视线从这幅光景中转移回来。

“那么,回到生意上。用硅废料交换你们的锂矿开采权……”


The three Baileys stepped out of the presentation hall, laughing to themselves. "Dad was a real jackass, wasn't he?"

Tom and Trev's pockets started shaking simultaneously. With a puzzled look, they took out their quintuple-encrypted smartphones, undid the codes, and frowned.

"E-mail. From the top…" Tom opened his, and his jaw dropped. "Dr. Thomas Bailey, you are to report to Antarctic Site 1483 for reassignment, effective… tomorrow! What?!"

"I got the same thing! Except I'm being re-assigned to 19!" Trevor stared at his phone, his eyes wide. Tom almost looked like he was going to cry.

"Antarctic… that's the Keter-class sites. Jesus…"

Tristan smiled weakly. "Guess this means we won't be able to do the "three of me from different universes" gag anymore, eh?"


Tom stepped onto the plane to Antarctica, wondering what he had done to deserve this. Reassignment to the coldest place on Earth. He'd probably be stuck with Edison, cleaning a Keter's cage or something.

With a despondent look on his face, he finally worked up the courage to read the dossier he had gotten regarding SCP-1483. He frowned at the first line of the description; how could an entire continent be an SCP?

As he read the file, a smile started to grow. It looked like the explorer would have a brand new land to visit, now.

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